


I Counted The Number Of Times You Smiled At Me

by klaineanummel



Category: Glee
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-30
Updated: 2013-11-30
Packaged: 2018-01-03 00:25:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1063481
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/klaineanummel/pseuds/klaineanummel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One thing needs to be made clear from the start: Kurt Hummel is not gay</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Counted The Number Of Times You Smiled At Me

**Author's Note:**

> Quick note before you read this: This is a Klaine as Brittana story, NOT a Klaine/Brittana role reversal (but if you want to read one, I can direct you to a very good one). Just thought I'd clear that up :-)
> 
> WARNING: although none of the sex in this story is very graphic, Kurt and Santana DO have sex, multiple times, and it is mentioned in more descriptive terms than "they had sex". In case that squicks you.
> 
> Title comes from Glee.

One thing needs to be made clear from the start: Kurt Hummel is not gay. He never has been gay, he never will be gay. He has a girlfriend, who he loves very much. He loves spending time with her, loves holding her hand, loves hugging her tight, loves kissing her, loves feeling the softness of her breasts in his hands, loves running his hands all over her body, loves fucking her gently and roughly, loves it face-to-face, loves taking her from behind. He really does love those things, and he doesn't just love them because society has told him he's supposed to, that is _not_ it at all. He honestly, genuinely loves his girlfriend.

He just... also loves his best friend. 

His _male_ best friend.

But he's not gay, okay? Because it isn't all guys, not at all. It's _just_ Blaine. And sometimes Finn, who wears the hell out of his football uniform. Okay, and maybe he's noticed Puck's biceps a couple of times, and maybe he's had a fantasy or two about the lips that new kid is sporting, but most of the time it's just Blaine. Plus, it's not like he doesn't notice when the cheerio's walk by with their short skirts swishing behind them. It's not like he doesn't spend the entire time staring at Brittany Pierce's chest when she wears that little black dress of hers to parties. He _does._ He checks out girls too, all the time. How could he not? Girls are... girls are great. All soft and curvy, with their slim waists and hot breasts and tight, tight pussies. 

Blaine is the only real exception. 

And since it's just Blaine, it means that Kurt is most definitely not gay. 

So, there.

**

When Kurt joins glee it's because Santana is being forced by Coach Sylvester. It's not because he enjoyed the weird dancing thing that Chandler kid made them do at the game the other day, and it definitely isn't because Blaine begs him, eyes wide, hands clasped together, and bottom lip perfectly pouted. No, it's definitely because Santana wants him to. 

Seriously.

He manages to convince Finn to join with them, stating that Quinn has to join anyway and that way he can keep an eye on her (he can see the way she's eyeing that annoying wheelchair kid with the incredible voice as much as anyone else). Of course, once they join it just gives Mike and Puck the excuse they'd been waiting for, and so within a week glee club finds itself with six spanking new members; enough to compete. 

Kurt doesn't enjoy glee though. Well, okay, maybe a little, but he doesn't enjoy it the way Santana does, and he definitely doesn't enjoy it as much as Blaine does. 

Of course, Blaine has always loved singing, and he's always loved being the centre of attention, even if he loves it in that simple, adorable way of his. Not the way Santana does. 

(Kurt doesn't compare Blaine to Santana on purpose. Really, he doesn't. It just... happens sometimes. And it sucks when it does because Blaine always comes up on top which isn't really conducive to the whole straight, not gay, thing)

“It's just because you don't sing.” Blaine explains one day, “If you sang, you'd understand why San and I love it so much.”

As if it's that simple. 

The thing is, at the end of the day, Kurt really does love to sing. If he could he wouldn't hesitate to sing in glee club. He knows it would get Rachel Berry off his ass about not pulling his weight. He can't though, and that's something Blaine just doesn't understand. Blaine, with his smooth tenor and his classic good looks. Blaine who never has to explain anything to anyone because he's _Blaine_ and it just doesn't matter.

Sometimes Kurt envies Blaine more than he loves him, because Blaine has never had to prove anything to anybody. Blaine could walk down the hall hand in hand with a fucking llama and nobody would even blink an eye; hell, they'd congratulate them. That's just the effect Blaine has on people. Kurt... Kurt doesn't have that effect on people. Kurt had to claw his way to the top, had to sleep his way through half the Cheerios before anybody even half considered that maybe, just maybe, he wasn't what they thought he was.

(And he wasn't. Isn't. Because Kurt isn't gay, remember?)

Blaine's never had to worry about that; he probably never will. All he has to do is bat his ridiculously long eyelashes, smile that ever present smile of his, and he's got you. 

Kurt knows because that's how Blaine got him in the first place.

“Just one song,” Blaine begs him every now and then, “Please? I know you have a beautiful voice Kurt, and I just want you to share it with everyone.”

Every time Blaine asks it gets harder and harder to say no.

**

The first time they kissed, Kurt initiated. It surprised him as much as it surprised Blaine; one second they were discussing the upcoming football tryouts and the next Kurt had leaned over and covered Blaine's mouth with his own.

He didn't even have time to panic because Blaine kissed him back without even thinking about it, and as soon as that happened it was like nothing else mattered. 

They didn't have sex until a week or two into their sophomore year of high school, about a month after their first kiss. It wasn't that Kurt didn't want to have sex with Blaine – god, he so desperately wanted to have sex with Blaine – it was just the repercussions that worried him. If he had sex with Blaine that was that. All of his work freshman year would go down the drain. It wouldn't matter that he'd gotten Marley Rose to give up her virginity pledge for him, or that he'd convinced Santana Lopez to give monogamy a try, he would be forever remembered as the guy who'd turned gay for Blaine Anderson. 

(Because Blaine wouldn't be blamed. Who could blame sweet, kind Blaine? Everyone already knew about his brief affair with a member of the Dalton Academy Warblers over the summer, and that he'd made out with Chandler in freshman year. Nobody cared, because it was Blaine. But if people found out Kurt had a fling with a guy? Forget about it)

It did happen though. They were at Blaine's house, kissing each other silly under the guise of doing homework, when Blaine asked Kurt if he wanted to. That's all he said, “Do you want to?” with his eyes as wide as they could go and his lips kiss bruised in a way Kurt was growing addicted to. How could Kurt say no to that?

It was just hands. That's all Kurt let them do, stopping Blaine when his kisses got too low for comfort. Blaine didn't question it, of course he didn't, he just gripped Kurt tighter, pumped him faster, kissed him harder. He didn't even ask Kurt to reciprocate, happy to grind against Kurt's thigh while Kurt stared silently up at the ceiling. 

“Thank you,” Blaine whispered when he'd finished, kissing the corner of Kurt's mouth and cuddling up close. Kurt let him, but only for a few minutes before he made an excuse about meeting up with Santana and fled. 

That night he fucked Santana hard and rough from behind, groping her breast all the while and rubbing her clit furiously. When they finished Santana loudly proclaimed that it was the best sex they'd ever had and that if he fucked her like that every time she would never get off his dick. 

Kurt shut her up by fucking her again.

**

Santana dumps him out of the blue a few weeks into the school year, claiming she needs a man with a steady paycheck as her arm candy. 

Kurt doesn't try and get her back, even though he knows he should. At least now he doesn't feel guilty about going behind her back with Blaine. 

One problem down, eight hundred more to go.

**

“Why don't you let me blow you?” Blaine asks one day, hand stroking up and down Kurt's shaft teasingly. Kurt clenches his teeth and glares at his best friend.

“Is now really the best time?” he grits out, trying to fuck his hips up into Blaine's fist. Blaine shrugs.

“I kind of want to blow you, but I know if I try you'll say no, so yeah, I guess.”

Kurt sighs, sits up, pulls Blaine's hand off him. Blaine pouts, but Kurt isn't going to let that work on him this time. 

“I'm not gay, Blaine.”

Blaine just blinks at him, as if he doesn't understand. Maybe he doesn't.

“What we're doing now, this is just... it's just bro's helping bro's, you know?” He gestures between them, trying to find the right words, “It's not like we're dating or anything.”

“I know,” Blaine sounds affronted when he says it, sitting up on his haunches, “I know we're not dating, I'm not stupid Kurt. And I know you say you aren't gay-”

“Because I'm _not_.”

“- but that shouldn't matter. It's not like I'm asking you to blow _me_.”

It's not about that, but Kurt knows that Blaine will never understand. Plus, he can't deny that he's had several graphic fantasies about Blaine's mouth and what he can probably do with it. So he says yes, lies back, and lets Blaine go down on him. 

And if he comes faster than he's ever come in his life it has nothing to do with the fact that it's Blaine that's staring up at him from between his legs and everything to do with the fact that the only action he's been getting recently is from Blaine's hand. 

Really.

**

Quinn Fabray gets pregnant and Finn is, apparently, not the father. Not that Finn realizes that, of course. Kurt overhears him having a deep conversation with Blaine about hot tubs and sperm, Blaine nodding along earnestly, mouth slightly open as he takes in this brand new (entirely false) information. 

Kurt wants to confront Quinn about the pregnancy and about lying to Finn – because even though he's an idiot he's still Kurt's closest friend aside from Blaine, and he can't stand to think about what's going to happen to him when he discovers the truth – but at the end of the day he decides he has enough on his plate, what with everything going on between him and Blaine. 

When Blaine tells him all about it later that day, hands moving quickly in his enthusiasm to share his newly acquired knowledge with Kurt, Kurt considers breaking the news to him as well. But Blaine sounds so excited about having learnt something new, and he sounds so upset on Finn's behalf, and he just looks so _sweet_ that Kurt can't do it. He just can't.

**

There's a month until Sectionals when Kurt finally gets Blaine off with his hand. 

It's absolutely glorious, the feel of Blaine in his hand, the small sounds that escape Blaine's lips, the way he whispers Kurt's name like he just can't keep it in.

Blaine comes all over his hand barely five minutes after Kurt first wrapped his hand around him, but he doesn't look embarrassed, doesn't explain it away, just smiles lazily up at Kurt and moves down to take Kurt into his mouth. 

Kurt stops him though, because it's too much. He tells Blaine it's because today is for him, an explanation Blaine accepts without question, cuddling up close to Kurt as he always does even though Kurt never lets him stay for longer than a few minutes. 

It's harder to push Blaine away this time, but he still does it, quietly claiming he really does need to do homework and then making his way out of Blaine's house, fully aware of how turned on he still is. 

He doesn't do anything about it though. He just waits until it goes down and then pushes it out of his mind.

Because it's one thing to get hard when you've got a hot mouth against your own, a hand around your dick, a slick mouth sucking you. It's an entirely different thing to get hard from a guys dick in your hand. 

That's not just bro's helping bro's. 

That's _gay_.

And Kurt Hummel is. not. gay. 

**

The next day he goes over to Santana's house and fingers her against the wall of her bedroom. It's too wet, too fast, but it's familiar and more importantly it's _straight_. It doesn't even matter when Santana tells him after that if he thinks they're getting back together he's got another thing coming. Kurt shakes his head. He doesn't want to get back together. 

He doesn't really know what he wants. 

( _That's a lie_ a voice that sounds suspiciously like Blaine whispers in his ear _you know what you want, you're just scared. Coward, coward, coward..._ )

Before he leaves, Kurt asks if its okay if they still have sex. He's not sure if he feels relief or dread when she agrees.

**

Blaine looks so hurt when he finds out that, not only is Finn not the father of Quinn's baby, but that Kurt already knew that Kurt wants to wrap him up in a tight hug and never, ever let him go. 

He asks what he can do to make it better, and Blaine asks him to hold him. They're alone, so it's okay, but it still feels too close, too intimate, even more than giving Blaine a handjob had. He does it though, because Blaine is upset and that's not something that Kurt ever wants, and if he can do something to make it better he's going to. 

**

There's one week until Sectionals and Rachel Berry is going to ruin everything.

Not that Kurt really cares (he _doesn't,_ okay?), but Blaine cares, and if Kurt isn't sure he can handle Blaine being upset again. 

He makes a comment. A stupid, flippant comment, but it changes everything. At least to Kurt it does. 

Mercedes says something about Puck. Santana mentions something about sex. Artie says something about dating. It doesn't matter. What matters is after, the cold sink of regret.

“Sex isn't dating.”

“If it were, Kurt and I would be dating.”

Everything stops. Well, not really, because after a second the conversation continues as usual, but to Kurt it's like everything is over. It's out. People know. Blaine just _told them_. Like it was nothing, like it was obvious, like it didn't matter. And of course it didn't matter to him, how could it matter to Blaine? Things wouldn't change for Blaine, he would continue to be popular Blaine, one of the best players on the football team, ray of sunshine, sweet, innocent Blaine. 

But for Kurt? 

He gave it twenty four hours before everything went to shit.

**

Kurt met Blaine during the first week of freshman year. They had just made the team, two of the only five freshmen to make the cut, and their lockers were next to each other. Blaine looked over at Kurt, smiling as he pulled out his water bottle and took a smooth chug. He blushed a little, then quietly introduced himself. Kurt replied in kind and they shook hands, as if they were in a high class club and not a high school locker room. 

A part of Kurt knew, right then and there, but he didn't let himself think about it. 

He also doesn't let himself think about how shy Blaine had been at the beginning, only realizing how irregular his actions had been now that he really knows Blaine. Blaine isn't shy, he's never been shy with anyone other than Kurt. 

He thinks he knows why that is, but the thought is too frightening, so he just shoves it into the category of things he doesn't think about and forgets about it.

**

Things do go to shit, but not the way Kurt expected. He knows he shouldn't be happy that his friend is suffering, but the thing is that with all the attention on Finn, Quinn, and Puck, none of the attention falls on Kurt and his sex with Blaine. 

He still avoids Blaine for the week leading up to Sectionals. Just in case. It kills him a little every time he sees Blaine smiling at him, waving him over, making his way over to him, because he knows that as soon as Kurt turns around and walks away Blaine's smile will be gone. 

Kurt hates it when Blaine doesn't smile. Especially when it's because of him.

**

The thing is that, at the end of the day, Kurt just can't stay away. Blaine is like a drug, a sweet, deadly, addictive drug, and Kurt needs more. He always needs more.

Blaine confronts him backstage at Sectionals, right before they go on, and Kurt promises they'll talk later. When they win Santana slinks over to him and whispers that she would really love if he came over so they could celebrate appropriately. 

Kurt should go with her. After all, Blaine is just his best friend, and Santana is a very willing girl who he knows is going to put out for him; how can he say no to that?

He does, though. He tells her he can't. Makes up an excuse about having to get back to the tire shop. 

He goes to Blaine.

**

“It's because of what I said, isn't it?” Blaine is running his fingers up and down the centre of Kurt's chest as he talks, leaving a soft tingle behind with every sweep. Kurt wants to push him away. They've been cuddling too long anyway, longer than they usually do, and Kurt's heart is beating so fast he isn't sure how much more of this torture he can handle. “About you and me dating.”

Kurt swallows thickly. “Blaine...”

“You don't have to explain,” Blaine crosses his arms over each other on Kurt's chest and leans his chin on them, looking up at Kurt from under his lashes, “I get it, I think.”

“No, you don't,” Kurt sighs and sits up, allowing Blaine's sheets to pool around his shamefully naked waist, “I'm not like you, okay? I can't just...” 

Blaine bites on his plump bottom lip, leans back on his knees, completely unashamed in his nudity, “Be with me?”

“I don't like guys.”

“You keep saying that.”

“Because it's true,” he doesn't mean to sound snippy, but it's so hard when Blaine is just sitting there like nothing is wrong because _everything_ is wrong. Absolutely everything.

Blaine looks down at himself, then back up at Kurt, “I'm a boy.”

“You think I don't know that?”

Blaine scoots closer to him, reaches a hand out, but Kurt moves away. “You don't have to be ashamed.”

He wants to explain to Blaine that yes, actually, he does, because he can't be gay. He just can't, he's worked too hard to convince himself and everyone else that he isn't. He refuses to just let everything he's done go to waste because Blaine won't stop looking at him with those goddamn eyes of his.

Instead he slips out of the bed, rushes to put his clothes on and leaves Blaine's house without saying goodbye. 

**

Finn dates Rachel Berry, breaks up with her, then bitches to Kurt about it for the next week and a half. As if Kurt has nothing better to do than listen to Finn whine about girls.

“I just don't get how you do it,” Finn moans. Kurt glances over at where Blaine is tossing a hacky sack back and forth with Mike. 

“Me neither.”

**

Coach Tanaka tells the entire team that they're losing it and begs them all to loosen up in any way they can. Blaine saddles up to Kurt after school and asks if he wants to come over tonight, because what better way to loosen up than to have sex?

The thing is that having sex with Blaine isn't going to loosen Kurt up, it's just going to wind him tighter. Having sex in general though... 

He originally plans on going to Santana, as he always does, but the next day Rachel Berry approaches him to ask if Finn ever talks about her and if he thinks there's any possibility of them getting back together. 

It's too easy, really. A couple of little white lies, a few carefully placed compliments, and Rachel falls into his bed as if she'd always been there. 

She regrets it later, she tells him, but Kurt doesn't care. It wasn't like he was planning on falling in love with Rachel, marrying her and having 2.5 babies with her. She's served her purpose, and he's served his. He got to sleep with her, and she got to make Finn jealous. 

When Blaine congratulates him on getting Rachel Berry in bed the next day he doesn't sound genuine at all. Kurt high fives him anyway and proceeds to give him explicit details about the affair. Because Kurt is straight, and this is was straight guys do.

Isn't it?

**

Santana starts dating Puck, so Kurt gets in a fight with Puck over her. When their fight is broken up Kurt has a large bruise on his jaw and Puck can barely breathe. 

Blaine takes him to the nurse and stays with him even when Kurt assures that he's fine. He holds the package of ice against Kurt's jaw, whispering sweet nothings in his ear. It's so much, too much, it always is with Blaine, especially when Blaine drops the package, leans in and kisses Kurt's jaw until the pain has all but disappeared. 

They're almost caught, and Kurt knows he would have regretted it if they had been, but he still feels like crying when Blaine pulls away seconds before the nurse walks in. 

**

Kurt blows Blaine for the first time after Regionals, and it's so different from eating out a girl that he actually wants to cry.

The thing is that he's always enjoyed sex with girls. Why else would he keep having it if he didn't enjoy it?

But this, right here, with Blaine... it's like everything is finally right.

He doesn't let himself do it again. He apologizes to Blaine, says he completely understands if Blaine wants to stop doing it to him too. Blaine shakes his head, leans down, and takes Kurt in his mouth anyway. Kurt's world spins as Blaine sucks him down, and Kurt wonders if this is what it feels like to overdose.

“Is it because it's too gay?” Blaine asks, and he makes it sound so trivial. Like Kurt is being stupid. Kurt knows Blaine doesn't mean it that way, he knows he's just trying to clarify, but it still sounds mocking. 

“Maybe,” he says defensively, pulling his clothes back on. He goes to leave, but Blaine reaches a hand out and stops him.

“We don't have to do anything,” he pleads, “I won't even touch you. Can you just... stay? Just for a while? I feel like we never talk anymore.”

What is there to talk about, really? Still, Kurt stays. He's pretty sure he would stay forever if Blaine asked him to.

**

The summer between sophomore and junior year changes everything. The past two summers were spent lost in a haze of partying; booze and girls were all that really mattered. He was a stud those summers, hell, even Puck said so.

He hides himself away for most of this summer. He locks the door to his room and thinks. He thinks, and thinks, and thinks. He starts a journal and fills it up by the end of July. He doesn't read it when he's done, just pushes it to the bottom of his nightstand drawer and forgets about it. 

Things slowly become clearer as the summer goes on, things he'd kept hidden for so long finally surfacing. Feelings he doesn't want to admit to become more real. 

On a Wednesday in mid-August he finally forces himself out of his house and drives over to Blaine's. He's there, but his parents aren't, and Kurt spends the entire afternoon re-learning everything about Blaine's body and learning new things as well. When Blaine asks if Kurt wants to fuck him Kurt finds he can't say no.

He's tired of saying no.

It's hot and fast, faster than his first time with a girl had been, but it means so much and it makes all the thoughts and feelings that had been festering over the summer so much clearer. 

It hurts. It hurts more than he thought it would, because now that he's done this, now that he's held Blaine so close and felt him so intimately he doesn't want to let go. He just wants to keep holding on forever.

He can't, though. As badly as he wants to, as much as he wishes things were different and he could just hold Blaine forever, he _can't._ His heart might have unfogged, but his brain still won't let him. His brain still screams danger every time Blaine comes too close. His brain reminds him of the way everyone treats Chandler, how everyone treated him before he joined the football team.

Things have changed, but at the same time, absolutely nothing has changed at all.

**

It's duet week in glee club when things reach a breaking point for him and Blaine. They're making out heavily on Blaine's bed, Kurt kissing Blaine's neck reverently, guiltily enjoying the feel of Blaine under him when Blaine says it.

“We should sing a duet.”

Kurt pauses, then looks up at Blaine, “No, I really don't think we should.”

“We could sing Perfect, by Pink. You like that song, don't you?”

Yes, Kurt loves that song. But the thought of singing it with Blaine, in front of the entire glee club, to announce to everyone that he thinks Blaine is Perfect to him, it's too much.

“Look, Blaine,” Kurt sits up, turning away from Blaine, “Just because we make out doesn't mean that I'm in love with you and want to sing romantic duets with you, okay?”

“Kurt...”

“Either way,” Kurt says, glancing over his shoulder, trying to appear nonchalant, “I already promised Puck I'd duet with him. So there you go.”

(He doesn't say that the reason he's chosen Puck is because Puck will chose a serious, hardcore, manly song that will force Kurt to lower his pitch. He doesn't have to)

Blaine doesn't complain, he doesn't say anything at all, and when Kurt leaves barely a minute later he doesn't try and stop him. 

**

Blaine pairs up with Tina for the duet competition, and soon enough Blaine is approaching Kurt at his locker and telling him that he slept with Tina. 

It hurts, and he hates that it hurts. He wonders if this is how Blaine felt last year when Kurt told him about Rachel. If it were anyone but Blaine he would think this was revenge, but it _is_ Blaine and Kurt is pretty sure that Blaine doesn't even understand the meaning of the word revenge. This is just Blaine being Kurt's best friend and nothing more. 

Kurt knows it shouldn't matter, that things are actually better this way because now Blaine won't come to him when he needs sex. Things can go back to the way they were, and Kurt can go back to being blissfully ignorant of himself. 

Except he can't. Because he knows now; he knows what he wants and he knows what it feels like, and he just can't handle the thought of Blaine with Tina even though he knows its better.

So he ruins it. He pulls Tina aside and bitches her out as kindly as he can, letting her know in as simple terms as possible how little she means to Blaine. It's a lie, of course it is, because Kurt knows that every girl is special to Blaine. He likes them all, treasures them all, has never been one of those guys who has sex for the sake of having sex. He's not like Kurt. 

Blaine and Tina don't compete in the duet competition, Sam and Quinn win, and Kurt goes home feeling like the worst human being in the world when he notices Blaine staring at Tina longingly. 

**

It doesn't take too long before Tina decides she doesn't care what Kurt had to say and goes after Blaine anyway. Kurt watches from the sidelines, anger and jealousy building up like a tidal wave inside him. 

He doesn't say anything this time, though. What else is there left to say? Blaine sounds incredibly happy when he calls Kurt later that day to tell him that he and Tina are officially a couple. That's all Kurt's ever really wanted, at the end of the day. For Blaine to be happy.

He just...

He just doesn't know anymore.

**

Kurt tells himself that he's okay with Blaine dating Tina. He convinces himself that it's for the best, because this way Blaine is happy and Kurt isn't tempted.

Except he is. He's always tempted, always watching as Blaine walks down the hall hand in hand with Tina, so effortlessly beautiful that it makes him want to cry. 

He lasts two weeks before he kisses Blaine again. 

Blaine doesn't stop him.

**

A week before Sectionals Kurt overhears Tina talking to Artie about how she thinks Blaine is cheating on her with Brittany. She sounds so upset, like her entire world has been shattered, but Kurt just can't find it in him to feel guilty. He even goes up to Tina and calmly interrupts her to assure her that there is absolutely nothing going on between Blaine and Brittany. 

She believes him because he's Blaine's best friend, and if Blaine were cheating on her Kurt would know, wouldn't he? He wants to feel bad about it, but he just can't. Not when Blaine comes over that very night and sucks his brain out through his dick. Not when he knows that, even though Blaine is officially with Tina, he still can't stay away from Kurt. 

**

Tina sings Blaine a love song on Valentine's day, bursting into tears halfway through, obnoxious proclamations of love blurting out of her as she tries to keep singing. Kurt refuses to roll his eyes, although his jaw does clench just a little when Blaine runs up to the front and comforts her. 

The next day Blaine innocently asks him if he's going to sing him a love song too. Kurt rolls his eyes and reminds Blaine that he doesn't sing in front of other people if he doesn't have to, and he definitely doesn't sing love songs. 

Blaine pouts a little, but then cheerfully says, “Well, at least I got one from Tina!” and then flounces off without a care in the world.

Kurt calls him that night and sings a love song to him over the phone, voice cracking a little as he tries to keep his voice down. He can't have his dad walk in on him singing a love song to a guy, now can he? When he's done there's silence, and then a gentle, “You didn't sing that to me just because of what I said earlier, right? About at least getting one from Tina?”

“I sang it to you because you're my best friend and I care about you.”

“Oh. Is that... is that all?”

No. That's not even half of it all, “What else would there be?”

Blaine doesn't answer, but that in and of itself is answer enough.

**

Brittany thinks she's pregnant because a stork built its nest in front of her house, so Mr. Schue brings in the sex ed teacher, Mr. Martinez, to give them a lesson on sex. Kurt rolls his eyes the entire way through, only paying attention when Blaine jumps up to sing and dance along, shaking his ass in the most delicious way possible. Kurt glares at Tina when he notices her looking too, but keeps his mouth firmly shut. 

“That was fun,” Blaine says, breathless when he slumps down next to Kurt. 

Kurt leans over and asks quietly, “Are you okay to come over tonight?”

Blaine flushes, but nods, and Kurt manages to resist the urge to grope Blaine right then and there when he notices Tina glancing over at them.

**

“Can we talk?” Blaine asks, voice quiet and shy, from his spot on Kurt's bed. Kurt shrugs, bending down to pick up his underwear. Blaine continues, “I mean, really talk.”

“What is there to talk about?”

“This,” Blaine gestures between them. “Us. I mean, I know I'm dating Tina because we've discussed it and made it official, but I have no idea what I'm doing with you.”

“We're just having fun,” Kurt shrugs, “It's no big deal.”

“It's a big deal to me.”

Kurt swallows down the words that have been building up since he realized them over the summer, “Look, if you want to talk feelings, that's what Tina is for, okay?”

“But I want to talk about my feelings for _you_. I can't talk to Tina about those.”

“What exactly do you want from me here Blaine? I've already told you-”

Blaine looks down at his lap, “I just... I get really confused, about all of this. About us. I feel like we should talk to someone, you know? Like an actual adult.”

That sounds like the worst kind of torture in the world, but Blaine is staring down at his lap so forlornly, lips pouted and eyes water and Kurt just can't say no. He just can't.

**

They choose Mr. Martinez because he doesn't know them very well, and Kurt had sort of gotten a vibe. It feels weird to say it out loud, to finally admit to someone what it is that's happening between him and Blaine. 

Mr. Martinez doesn't actually give them the best advice overall, but he does give them the suggestion of singing about it. That's what glee club is about, isn't it? Blaine looks at Kurt with so much hope that once again Kurt finds himself unable to deny him. 

He feels like he's on a slippery slope now. They've talked to an adult, and now they're standing in front of glee club announcing to their peers how they think they're perfect to each other. People clap awkwardly when they're done performing, and Rachel says some bullshit comment about homo eroticism, but Kurt isn't really paying attention, focusing instead on Blaine and the tears welling up in his eyes. 

They hug, right there, right in front of everyone, and it's quite possibly the most liberated Kurt has ever felt.

**

Everything reaches a peak the next day when he sees Blaine standing at his locker, stacking his books perfectly and smiling at anybody who smiles at him first. It's like everything that he'd realized over the summer but kept hidden deep inside him is finally bubbling to the surface. Like a dam bursting, Kurt approaches Blaine before he can stop himself and just blurts it out.

“I'm in love with you.”

Blaine frowns, places his last book in his locker, “What?”

Kurt glances around them, “Can we go somewhere... private?”

Blaine nods and leads Kurt to the boys locker room, empty at this time of the day, “Are you okay?”

“I'm fine,” Kurt says, a little too quickly, “I just... I don't even know why I said that.”

“Don't,” Blaine pleads. “Please don't take it back.”

Kurt scoffs, “I don't think I can anymore,” he takes a deep breath, glances around the empty room, “I love you Blaine,” he repeats, “I'm sorry it took me so long to say it.”

“Why _did_ it take you so long?” Blaine asks, still so sweet, still so innocent. Kurt looks down at his feet, arms crossing over his chest defensively. 

“Because-I can't be gay Blaine,” he whispers, “I've worked so hard to prove to everyone that I'm not gay, I've done everything right, okay? But you just waltzed into my life and screwed everything up, and I kept telling myself that I had to stop, that I couldn't keep doing this with you because it was _wrong_ , because it was going to ruin everything I'd built up, but I can't, okay? I can't because I love you. I love you-” he glances around the room again, takes a step closer to Blaine, “I love you so much it hurts to breathe sometimes.”

“Kurt-”

“Don't...” Kurt takes a deep breath, embarrassed when he feels tears well up in his eyes, “Can you just not say anything? I know what it is you're going to say, and I don't think I can handle it right now, so can you not? Just for now?”

Blaine purses his lips together, then nods shortly. Kurt laughs, and its wet and disgusting, but Blaine smiles at it, then pulls Kurt close and hugs him tighter than Kurt has ever let himself hug Blaine. 

**

They go back to Blaine's house, fall onto Blaine's bed easily, clawing at each other roughly. Kurt tells Blaine he loves him as much as he can because he isn't sure when he's going to be able to next; knows this is probably the last time he'll get to touch Blaine. At least until Tina is out of the picture. 

It's rough, but sweet, Kurt letting Blaine take full control, letting Blaine slick his fingers up and loosen him up. They rarely do it like this, normally only when Kurt's drunk. It's always felt so gay, too gay, but it doesn't matter anymore, does it? It doesn't matter because Kurt can admit that he's gay, or at least gay for Blaine, and it's okay, it's wonderful, how can something that feels this good ever be wrong?

Neither of them lasts very long, coming after only a few thrusts of Blaine's hips, both crying as their orgasms rush over them. 

After they've cleaned up Kurt pulls Blaine against him, cuddles him like he's never let himself cuddle Blaine before. Basks in the feel on him, warm and pliant in his arms. “I love you so much,” he says for the millionth time, the words light on his tongue. He feels like he could fly.

“I-” Blaine sighs, snuggles closer, “Why couldn't you love me before Tina?”

Kurt chews on his bottom lip, then looks down at Blaine, “Be with me,” he whispers, “Break up with her and be with me. Please, Blaine.”

“I can't,” Blaine replies just as quietly, “Kurt you know I can't.”

Just like Kurt couldn't. 

“Because of Tina?” he tries not to sound bitter, but he knows he does. Blaine shrugs, blushing a little.

“I love her.”

“And yet you're here with me.”

Blaine kisses Kurt's chest gently, “Well, I lo-”

“Don't,” Kurt sits up, “Don't say it. I can't handle hearing you say it before saying goodbye to you.”

Blaine's eyes widen, “Who's saying goodbye? Kurt, you're my best friend.”

“I know, but...” Kurt sighs, takes Blaine's hand in his and laces their fingers together. It's the first time they've actually held hands, “This can't keep happening Blaine. It hurts, being with you and then seeing you with her. You can't have us both.”

Blaine actually pouts at that, which makes Kurt laugh and lean forward to press their lips together, one last time, “Find me when you're actually single, okay?” Kurt asks, “Find me when you can fully be mine.”

**

They stay friends, how could they not? They just don't hook up anymore. 

Blaine tries to, every now and then. He'll lean over, lips pursed and eyes closed, and he always huffs in annoyance when Kurt turns his head so his lips land on Kurt's cheek instead. It happens four times before Kurt has to ask him to please not do that anymore because goddammit, it _hurts_. And the longer Blaine stays with Tina the longer it hurts. 

But they're still best friends, they still do everything together, they're still the closest male friends that McKinley has ever seen. 

**

Blaine and Tina break up over the summer, and Kurt waits and waits for Blaine to make a move, refusing to make it himself. He made the first move. It's Blaine's turn now. 

He doesn't make a move though, and when he comes back to school in September it's with Quinn Fabray, of all people, on his arm. So Kurt spends another year watching Blaine love someone else, consoling him after fights and flip-flopping between loving Blaine more than ever and hating him for doing this to him. 

At the end of the day love always wins out. How could he hate Blaine? He knows Blaine isn't doing it to hurt him, knows Blaine goes where his heart takes him, knows he missed his chance. 

Knows he's more than willing to wait for Blaine's heart to take him back to Kurt.

**

Blaine and Quinn eventually break up too, but by that point Kurt is in New York and Blaine is in California, studying to be a doctor of all things, breaking hearts on the west coast instead of the east one. They keep in contact, even when Kurt gets a serious boyfriend and Blaine gets a serious one as well. They talk each other through their respective break ups and are happy for each other when they find new love once again. 

Kurt reminds Blaine every now and then that he still loves him and that, whenever Blaine is ready, Kurt is going to be there, waiting with open arms. 

“That's not fair, Kurt,” Blaine tells him one day over skype, “It's not fair to you, you should be out living your life and falling in love, you shouldn't be waiting for me to-”

“I am living my life,” he says, shrugging, “Doesn't mean I wouldn't drop it all for you in an instant.”

It doesn't make holding down a relationship easy, but Kurt doesn't really care. There's only one person he wants and he knows that, eventually, that person is going to come back to him. 

**

(Blaine does come back eventually, medical degree in hand, high paying job at a New York hospital tucked tightly in his pocket, wide smile on his face, eyes wide, cheeks bright pink. Still that shy freshman Kurt fell in love with)

**Author's Note:**

> I know I sort of skimmed through the end of season 2 and season 3, but the point of this story was for Kurt to accept himself and the love he felt for Blaine, not to show Kurt and Blaine's eventual happily ever after :-)


End file.
